Who Gets To Kill InuYasha?
by AdInfinitum
Summary: [Oneshot] Naraku, Sesshomaru, and Kikyou team up and capture InuYasha. Now they have to decide which one of them will have the honor of finishing him off.


I don't own InuYasha.

* * *

One day, Naraku, Sesshomaru, and Kikyou all happened to run into each other at the same time. None of them were quite sure why; it could have been due to the Law Of Averages, Murphy's Law, or maybe The Law That States That Improbable Things Can Happen In Fanfictions. Anyway, they looked at each other for a few moments, and Sesshomaru said the first thing that popped into his head.

"I hate InuYasha."

"Me, too," agreed Naraku.

"Well, I don't know if I hate him. . . but I _am_ fixated on dragging him to the pit of hell with me," said Kikyou, thoughtfully.

"Why?" asked Naraku.

"I don't know, it just seems like fun," she replied.

Naraku pondered this for a moment, and said, "Well, it sounds to _me_ like you hate InuYasha."

"If you say so," said Kikyou, looking bored.

Sesshomaru said nothing. He forgot that he also wanted to kill Naraku and was about to leave when Naraku spoke up.

"I just thought of a great idea!" he said in a bubbly voice. "Let's kill InuYasha!"

The other two looked at him like he had just sprouted green tentacles and started wearing eyeshadow.

"Naraku,"Sesshomaru patiently explained, "we have all been trying to kill InuYasha for _years_. You've also been trying to kill InuYasha for years."

Kikyou looked at him suspiciously. "If you weren't trying to kill InuYasha all those other times, what _were_ you trying to do?"

Naraku folded his arms and pouted. "That's not what I _meant_. I meant, why don't we all try to kill InuYasha together?"

"Because _she_," Sesshomaru said, pointing to Kikyou, "is an undead zombie made out of dirt and _you_ have a penchant for wearing baboon skins that make you look like an abominable snowman."

"Hey, that's not nice!" whined Naraku, sniffling. "It's not supposed to be an abominable snowman! It's a yeti!"

"Don't pay any attention to him," snickered Kikyou. "He's just jealous because his brother has a bigger sword than he does."

Sesshomaru chose to ignore that last comment. "Didn't you know that a yeti is the same thing as an abominable snowman?" he asked Naraku.

"Oh no, really!" shrieked Naraku. "I have to go shopping right this minute!"

"Not so fast," said Kikyou. "I think your idea was good. Let's work together and kill InuYasha!"

"What about that meanie over there?" whimpered Naraku.

"Don't worry, he'll be nice. Or else we'll kill InuYasha without himand he won't get to have any fun," said Kikyou.

Sesshomaru glared at Kikyou and Naraku. They ignored him. "Fine, I won't be mean any more," he grumbled.

"Great!" said Naraku, obviously feeling chipper again. "Now, let's go get InuYasha!"

"OK," replied Sesshomaru and Kikyou.

The three of them looked about 30 yards over, to where a small hut was standing next to a few trees. There was a campfire burning in front of the hut, and in one of the trees sat someone in a red outfit, who also happened to have long silver hair and dog ears.

As they drew closer, they saw several other people sitting on the ground, looking bored. Naraku pointed at the group, which included two girls, a guy wearing a odd-looking purple dress, and a small thing with a fluffy tail that was currently occupied with chasing a butterfly. "Let's ask them if they know where InuYasha is," said Naraku.

Sesshomaru walked over to the nearest one of the girls, who was wearing a green and pink kimono, and patting a strange cat with two tails. It made Sesshomaru wonder if it was mutated somehow, although why he thought this was a mystery because nobody had ever taught him genetics. "You there," he demanded, "do you know where InuYasha is?"

She gave him a strange look and pointed to the dog-eared person in the tree. Sesshomaru sighed and walked over to the person in the tree.

"You!" he demanded once again, "do _you_ know where InuYasha is?"

The dog-eared person gave Sesshomaru an incredulous look, and then jumped out of the tree.

"Sesshomaru, you bastard!" he yelled. "What do you want? Are you after the Tetsusaiga again?"

Meanwhile Naraku and Kikyou had come up behind Sesshomaru, whispering to each other. Then Naraku cleared his throat and said, "Um. . . Sesshomaru? Doesn't he look a little familiar to you?"

Sesshomaru gave them a blank stare.

"Idiot, _he's_ InuYasha!" yelled Kikyou in frustration, pointing to the aforementioned dog-eared person.

"Ohhhhh," responded Sesshomaru with a knowing look.

"K-. . . Kikyou?" stuttered the asked the dog-eared person, whose identity was now firmly established to be InuYasha.

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I thought that I would take you to hell. Is today a good day for you?" she asked, a little anxiously. "Because I could come back tomorrow, if you want. . ."

"No, today's good," said InuYasha.

"SIT!" screeched the girl in the green and white outfit, rising to her feet.

"You bitch! What was that for!" demanded InuYasha, as soon as he extracted his face from the gaping hole that his fall had left in the ground.

"I dunno," she said. "I just figured maybe you were tired from all that standing." She looked spaced out, as if her mind had already wandered to some other subject.

Meanwhile, Naraku took his opportunity to sneak up behind InuYasha and tie him up.

"Kukukuku, I have you now, InuYasha," he said as his evil theme song played in the background.

"AHEM." Naraku glanced back at Sesshomaru and Kikyou, who were clearing their throats and glaring at him.

"I meant, WE have you now, InuYasha." he corrected.

Naraku relaxed as Sesshomaru and Kikyou stopped glaring at instead turned to InuYasha to gloat.

"Idiots!" yelled InuYasha. "You think that you can capture me by tying me up with _ropes_?"

"Um, well. . ." Naraku scratched his head a bit, "these are, um. . . barrier ropes. Yeah, barrier ropes."

"Yeah, that's right," chimed in Kikyou. "There's no way you'll _ever_ be able to break these barrier ropes."

"Hey, somebody help me!" yelled InuYasha. "Miroku, Kagome, Sango! Get me these whatchamacallums offa me!"

The two girls and the man in the purple dress just sat there, munching popcorn and watching.

Meanwhile, the kid with the fluffy tail went up to Sesshomaru and was examining _his_ fluffy tail.

"Hey, mister, why do you have a fluffy tail like I do? Are you my daddy?" he asked.

Sesshomaru glared at the kid. "It is not a tail, and it is _not_ fluffy"

"Yes it is!" said everyone present, in unison.

"Hmph. I don't know what's wrong with you people. I'm going to kill InuYasha now," he said, "and then I'm leaving."

"Hey, not so fast!" whined Naraku. "Who said _you_ get to kill InuYasha?" _I'm_ the main villain in this series, I'm the one who gets to kill InuYasha!"

"Hold it!" yelled Kikyou. "InuYasha wants _me_ to kill him. Right, InuYasha?" she said, smiling at him.

InuYasha stared at them in disbelief. "What are you guys talking about? You can't kill me, I'm the main character! Calling the show Naraku would just sound stupid."

Sesshomaru rolled his eyes. "You're not supposed to know that you're in a show, dummy. Besides, they would _obviously_ call it Sesshomaru."

"No, they wouldn't, stupid," snapped Kikyou. "But how are we gonna pick who gets to kill InuYasha?"

"I have an idea," called Kagome from her seat on the ground. "How about you guys have a race?"

"OK," said Naraku. "How about we race from here over to that boulder over there?"

"Sounds good to me," said Kikyou. "What do you think, Sesshomaru?"

"Yeah, OK," he said grudgingly. "Although why anyone would question my right to kill InuYasha is beyond me."

"Can I be the judge?" asked Miroku.

"Sure, go and stand by the boulder and you can call out the signal when you're ready," instructed Naraku.

Miroku reached the boulder just as Kikyou, Sesshomaru, and Naraku finished lining up for the race.

"On your marks, get set, GO!" he yelled.

"I win!" yelled Naraku, Kikyou, and Sesshomaru simultaneously.

"No you didn't!" they all yelled a few seconds later.

"I definitely won," said Naraku, pointing to Kanna, who was standing by the boulder. "As one of my incarnations, she counts as being me and she was at the finish line first."

"No, I won," said Sesshomaru, shrinking back to his normal size.

"Transforming was cheating!" whined Kikyou. "When you transformed you were already at the finish line without having to move at all! Besides, I won, because I sent my Soul Collectors ahead of me and they were at the finish line first!"

"Who won!" they demanded, turning to Miroku.

"I think it was he tie," he replied.

"No fair!" they whined.

"Hm. . . I think you're just going to have to think of a new way to decide," said Miroku. "I know! How about this? Whoever has known InuYasha the longest gets to kill him!"

"That works for me!" said Sesshomaru. "I'm his brother, I've known InuYasha for his whole life!"

"But wait a minute, Sesshomaru," argued Sango. "I thought that you disowned your brother because he was a hanyou. Wouldn't that mean that you don't know him at all?"

"That's right!" said Kikyou. "That means that I get to kill InuYasha!"

"What about me?" asked Naraku.

"What about you?" sneered Kikyou. "You never even met InuYasha until after the Shikon no Tama was shattered."

"Well, yeah, but I knew _about_ him when I was in that cave."

"Hm, that's true," said Kikyou. "Which of you did I meet first? Because if I met InuYasha before I met you, then I've known him longer than you have, but if I met InuYasha after I met you, then we've known him for the same amount of time."

"So who did you meet first?" asked Naraku.

"I don't know," said Kikyou. "They never mentioned it in the manga, or if they did, the author forgot about it."

"Well, we can't decide this way then," said Sesshomaru with obvious relief.

"Oh, oh! I know!" said the kid with the furry tail.

"What is it, Shippou?" asked Kagome.

"Well, how about whoever gets me the most candy can kill InuYasha?" he asked hopefully.

Sesshomaru raised an eyebrow. "Forget it, kid."

"Awww. . ." grumbled Shippou, kicking at the ground. "You guys are no fun."

"I think that this situation calls for the advice of someone older and wiser," said Sango.

"So you think that we should ask Kaede?" asked Kagome.

"No, no, not Kaede." said Sango. "I was talking about Jaken."

"Jaken! Why Jaken?" asked Kaede, who had shown up out of the blue and looked insulted.

"Oh, well, I wanted to find something for him to do," Sango replied. "He kept staring at me and it was really creepy. But if you'll make him go away, then you can give us advice," she added helpfully.

Kaede turned around to look for Jaken, but he had already slunk away mumbling something about not being old and creepy.

"Well then," she said, "I believe that the one to kill InuYasha should be the one with the most grievances against him."

"How do we decide that?" asked Naraku.

"I shall listen to your tales of woe and be the judge of them," replied Kaede.

"OK," said Naraku. "I don't know where to begin. . . it's awful, just awful!" he said, his eyes starting to tear up.

"Hold on a minute," interjected Miroku. "It sounds like this might take awhile. How about we go and hear your stories over some sake in that tavern over there?" he suggested, pointing to a rather nice-looking building not too far away from where they stood.

The eyes of the two groups lit up. "That's a a great idea!" exclaimed Kikyou. Sesshomaru, Naraku, Kagome, Sango, Shippou, and Kaede nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

The little group started off toward the building chatting happily, except for Naraku, who still looked like he was on the verge of tears and was being comforted by Kaede.

"Hey, what are you doing!" screamed InuYasha. "Don't just leave me here! It's almost dark out, and I'm tied up! The mosquitoes will come out soon! I won't be able to scratch the bites! I said get _back_ here!"

His shouts were all in vain, and in a few minutes the group had disappeared into the doorway of he tavern. He fell silent as he heard a menacing noise in the bushes nearby. The noises stopped, and he relaxed, only to have his eyes widen in fear as he realized what was lurking nearby.

He struggled furiously as a horde of fangirls advanced on him, screaming hysterically.

"I want a lock of his hair!"

"I want to touch his ears!"

"I want his"

That was the last thing InuYasha heard before he lost consciousness.


End file.
